After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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