you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just had sex on a roof
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
