margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
