Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
