Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
