Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
