he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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