well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
