My liver just broke up with me...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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