you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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