i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
porn star boner night. come get it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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