you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
