Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
