Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
