I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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