My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
