How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
