I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
