Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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