Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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