My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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