never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We got so high we made milksteak
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
