Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
