Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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