I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
