why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
