My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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