he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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