The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
