end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
