just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
