forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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