Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
