Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
