I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
