Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
