I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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