I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
