The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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