I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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