I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
