the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
