Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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