I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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