so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
