I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
