I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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