Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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