My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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