theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
