Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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