Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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