Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
