Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
